Sometimes I feel like I have my life together. You know those days.. you get home from work and you don't feel completely wrecked for once. You aren't completely broke, your bills are all current, your kids are (basically) happy, you feel competent at your job and on the same page as your partner. Those days I feel like I could do anything I ever put my mind to, with just enough time afforded to me. My inner voice is telling me I could have been a lawyer, surgeon, powerful politician or famous singer if I had just chosen to focus my time on that subject instead of being a wife/mother/therapist. I'm lighter in my step and feel so strong that I am almost convinced that I'm God's gift to my family.
And then.. the opposite happens.
I wake up an hour late for my meeting and realize that my husband has done all of the parenting that morning- gotten the kids dressed, fed and off to school/daycare- while I drooled on my pillow dreaming about how awesome I am. I race to get out the door while trying to text my next client to say I am on my way but running late as I try to put my shoe on at the same time. I get down the road and run out of gas, only then realizing that I left my phone at home. I walk three blocks to a gas station and pay for an overpriced gas can and realize how totally out of shape I am as I waddle back to the car, shocked at the weight of five gallons of gas. I drive back home to get my phone and have to text my client to let them know that I will have to reschedule because I (unprofessionally) ran out of gas and text my next client that I will also be running late to see them as well. I get on the road and get a call from school reminding me that I was supposed to send my son with $10 for the book fair that day and I totally spaced that fact. I spill my drink on my clothes. I struggle through sessions searching frantically in my mind for the words to tell my client, feeling like a sham and totally incompetent. I contemplate referring my clients to other therapists just because I feel bad for them having me as their therapist. I get home and trip over a mountain of laundry by the back door and smell dinner cooking that my awesome husband is making (as he once again is basically the sole parent for my kids).
At that point, I feel like a huge burden to my family. How is it possible, I think, that I can be and adult and still not be able to get my laundry done routinely? How will my children ever grow up without needing therapy services themselves after being stuck with me as a mom? Why am I always messing up??
Today, as I sit here writing this, I have had a medium sort of day. I didn't suck today. I didn't rock. I just sort of 'was'. I met with a family who is really struggling right now and I was present enough during the session to be able to really listen. They were in that frame of mind I was describing before- really feeling horrible. Substance abuse, criminal convictions, evictions, broken relationships, and an extensive history of personal trauma weighed on this family as they tried to find something to hold on to- something to hope for and to encourage them. At that moment, with conviction, I started telling this family about the importance of perspective and challenging thoughts. I challenged them to consider how much stronger they are today than they would have been had they never been through these struggles. I suggested that having to navigate the criminal justice system had also developed so many other skills that would translate to the rest of their life. I reminded them that they appreciate their freedoms right now so much more than before their convictions because they truly knew what it was like to be behind bars, to have nothing, and to have to pay for the consequences of one's choices.
As I drove home (once again low on gas), it just hit me how hypocritical I am at times. I remember being a teenager and first contemplating the concept that struggles could be a good thing. In both of the scenarios I described.. the days that I feel awesome and the days that I feel awful, I am missing the point. The real growth, the true 'gold' in my life has been during the struggle. That is where I have been tested and stretched and forced to act. Those were the moments when I was able to realize what actually mattered to me and what was more or less just 'talk'.
I guess I am saying that as we all travel on the 'struggle bus' through life, we should be more appreciative of the ride. We should embrace the struggle. When we are having an awesome day, we should be humble and remember that being so 'great' has only happened to us as a result of coming through a bunch of crap and not giving up. We should use that realization to encourage us when the crap comes piling back on us again- because we all know it will eventually. What goes up must come down, etc.
We shouldn't lie to ourselves at either point in our life, telling ourselves that we miraculously achieved some success because we are just naturally amazing or that we basically messed up all day because we are just naturally awful. Both concepts are lies, I think. We are going to have good and bad days, but what if we took a moment and were actually thankful for the bad ones? What in your life do you think you appreciate now more because you had to work for it and it was not just given to you?
There are so many things that have been made richer in life because I had to work for them. For me, I am thankful for the reminder and saying a big 'thank you' for the crummy days that may come.
Think positive!
~Lisa
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