*Trigger warning: this post discusses suicide, terminal illness, postpartum depression, mortality and other very challenging topics that may impact the reader emotionally and should be read with this information in mind.*
I was talking with a client of mine yesterday who was sharing her struggles with PPD (postpartum depression) and her long-term struggles with depression, self-harm and thoughts of death. She wondered about her life mattering, she feels immense guilt, shame and doubt and feels isolated by many of the medical professionals and family members she has attempted to talk with.
She had attempted to kill herself before entering in to treatment with me and had been hospitalized for this. She has been working with a psychiatrist for medication management and is working with me to address healthy ways of coping as she is struggling to manage this and has consistent doubt about her inherent worth.
She is not, at all, alone. I can personally attest to the fact that MANY of the clients I have worked with over the past 11 years have had some thought of wishing they were dead, wondering if their life mattered, have attempted to kill themselves, have struggled with thoughts about what happens after death, and have felt intense shame and guilt because they have been met with silence or isolation when they have been brave enough to bring the topic up. They are stigmatized and shoved off to the side because many people do not know how to talk about this stuff and would rather "not dwell on it".
That does not work for those of us who have struggled with these thoughts. They do not just go away! We do not have that luxury and MUST "dwell on it", at least long enough to process these emotions and attempt to find a meaningful way to press forward.
By the way, for anyone reading this who has ever contemplated hurting themselves or has attempted suicide, let me just stop here for a moment and say with complete confidence that I am glad that your attempt was not successful. You matter! Yes, YOU! Every. single. life. matters.
You deserve to live a life that leaves you with peace and contentment and I believe that is possible for you- for ALL of us, no matter our hardships. Yes, pain and struggle is just as much a part of life as joy and happiness is, but that does not mean that we have to live a life of suffering and constant struggle.
I also want to talk to anyone out there that is asking themselves, just like my client asked me, if they are a 'bad, terrible person' for wishing at times that they had been successful when trying to die or for just wishing they were dead in general. No, you are NOT a terrible person for having these dark thoughts and for wishing that you were not here at times. This is a way (albeit unhealthy) of attempting to cope with pain and it is not an awful thing to want a release from pain and struggle. There is no shame in that at all and it is human nature to want to avoid pain.
But here is where the proof lies that you are meant to live, in my opinion... your desire to die is proof that you are deeply connected to the human experience- possibly even more so than those that are NOT wishing they were dead. That can seem bizarre to consider in some ways, but the way that I see it is this: you are feeling things so intensely right now that this is painful to experience and thus, you are having a very HUMAN experience of wanting to release this pain and to escape this pain. You have those instincts and those drives within you in such an intense way that you are feeling things in a heightened way and this leaves you very sensitive. These same instincts and these same heightened and intense emotions are what will leave you able to experience joy and love and hope and prosperity and everything else that is positive in this life. You cannot have one without the other and ALL of this is part of being human.
Often people are unable to really process these concepts and just feel so uncomfortable with all of it and thus they shy away from it. They cope with it in negative, avoidant ways that leave people feeling isolated and like something is wrong with them. It becomes taboo to discuss, just like so many other difficult things (grief, loss, terminal illness, human vulnerability, crime/murder/terrorism, existential questions, mortality) and thus many humans just avoid the topics all together, almost pretending that they just do not exist. It takes intense bravery to face these topics, which is why one famous and very intelligent (much smarter than me) psychotherapist Dr. Irvin Yalom talked about facing some of this as "staring at the sun" (in his book Staring At The Sun which talks primarily about the issue of mortality that so many humans struggle with).
I think this visual is also effective because it brings to mind those dark spots in your vision that you get when you look away from the sun afterwards. The sun leaves a sort of "after image" in your vision after staring at it and this seems to be a great comparison to what happens to us emotionally after we face something very challenging. It leaves this residual 'image' in us emotionally that sometimes lingers in to the other areas of our lives and that can definitely alter the way that we view the rest of the world around us and also make it hard for us to relate to others who do NOT see the world with that same residual 'image' in their mind's eye. For example, it is hard to appreciate life fully when you have not had to really face death.That experience changes you and the way that you 'see'.
Does that make sense what I am trying to say here? What have your experiences been like as you have tried to work through these struggles? You are not alone!
By the way, if you or anyone you know is thinking of hurting themselves or needs help, please call now! Do not hesitate!! If the issue is emergent, please call 911 right now. If you need someone to talk to, please call the National Suicide Prevention hotline (staffed 24 hours a day) at 1-800-273-8255. There is on-line chat support available too at http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ .
Comments